Squiggly Bottom
by penniewise
Summary: Dante's facing random madness, and Cthulhu. In a tutu. (Written together with Kimmy Jarl)
1. Slightly mad

**AN:** This incoherent RP-story is written by Kimmy and Penniewise during some mind-numbing lectures. It came to a point where we had to start writing or die from acute lack of brain stimulation. Since we took turns adding lines, Kimmy totally reject half of the content. Penniewise, on the other hand, wouldn't touch Kimmy's half with a ten-foot pole.

Penniewise says, "Especially the parts that hints at shounen-ai."

Kimmy says, "Hey, those are the funny parts!"

Penniewise says, "Hmph."

**Disclaimer:** OBS! Kimmy and Penniewise don't own DMC, Dante, Trish, or any of the other commercial-related creatures featured here within. They do however own their own selves. Hopefully...

**Chapter one: Slightly mad**

The teacher drones on in his coma-inducing voice. In the front row two girls are sitting, trying hard not to fall asleep.

"TIRED!" One of the girls whispers loudly. Her name is not really Penniewise, but what the heck.

The other girl – let's call her... The King! Ehe, no. Her name is something like Kimmy Jarl, so let's call her that. She takes off her glasses and polishes them with a tissue. "You getting anything of what the teacher is saying?" she whispers. "Because I'm not."

"...and those are called the Gray Print," the tall, skinny teacher says. "Let me draw your attention to the third level of decision monitoring bla bla bla lalalalal bzbzbz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz." His voice slowly becomes more and more unintelligible, and fades away to a low buzzing sound. The coma is complete.

Penniewise suddenly gets to her feet and screams at the top of her lungs: "SQUIGGLY BOTTOM!"

Kimmy puts her glasses back on and blinks. No one else is moving.

A loud 'boing' is heard and Penniewise squeaks in surprise as a pair of clown pants replaces her skirt and on her nose a bright red ball appears. Her brown shoulder length hair twists itself into greenish purple spikes. She has become a demonic clown.

"BRAINMELT!" she hollers and takes gigantic leaps over the students still frozen in place. She starts singing a Christmas carol. "Ja se det snöar, ja se det snöar..."

"Madness!" Kimmy exclaims. "It's May! Don't sing about snow when the sun has finally come back." She starts singing a song of her own, very loudly. A traditional spring anthem. "VI GÅR ÖVER DAGGSTÄNKTA BERG, FALLERA!"

Madly bouncing around the room in her gigantic trousers, Penniewise switches song without missing a beat. "Cthulhu has a squiggly bottom, squiggly bottom, squiggly bottom. Cthulhu has a squiggly bottom, squiggly, squiggly, squiggly bottoooom!"

Cthulhu pops up from behind the teacher's desk. With a huffed expression he mutters, "Who said that?"

"Eep!" Some obscure instinct makes Penniewise and Kimmy rush back to their seats and freeze up, trying to look inconspicuous. They observe the unfolding drama in thorough silence.

A strange-looking yellow man walks into the classroom. He drools and smiles a beatific smile. "Mmmm...squiggly," he murmurs dreamily.

"NO!" Cthulhu screams, totally terrified. "Get away from me you creepy, yellow man. I'm NOT made of jello!"

Homer (because it is he, good folks) starts chewing on Cthulhu's tentacle covered behind.

"Somebody kill me!" Cthulhu howls. "The humiliation, the horror, the pain!"

Between bites, Homer starts to sing, "I'm gonna eat your ass and then I'm gonna eat your..."A brief bleeping noise drowns out the last of his words. Everybody looks around, trying to locate the source, but to no avail.

Dante enters, wearing a frilly pink skirt.

"Huh!" Homer looks up with blood around his mouth.

Dante walks up to him and smiles broadly. "Let's rock, Baby!" He takes Homer's hand and sends him twirling. Homer turns into a whirlwind of blue and yellow. (Go Sweden!)

"Woho!" Homer says as he finally starts to slow down. "I'm hungry."

Cthulhu clasps on to Dante's leg and falls on his knees, slobbering all over the white-haired warrior's skirt. "Thank you, thank you!"

"Nice tutu." Homer remarks. "Pink... like candy. Candy... mmm."

"Hey," Dante grumbles as he tries to free himself from Cthulhu's slimy embrace. "Lay off of my tutu!"

Homer falls to his knees by Dante's feet and begins to chew.

"Hey, get off me!" He kicks Homer in the stomach.

"Nice try," Homer purrs. "But you can't hurt me." He starts to lick.

Dante stares horrified at the tattered remains of his pink skirt. "For this you shall pay!" He devil triggers and shoots huge lightning bolts at Homer. "DIIEEE!"

"Ouch!" Homer says, and dies.

"I came, I saw, I fried!" Dante proclaims with a victorious gesture. "Haha!"

"Haha!" Cthulhu laughes. "You forget your most fearsome enemy. Me!"

"You big traitorous blob!"

"You half naked, skinny little girl!"

"I'm not a girl! Look! I have this really big sword!" Dante whirls Sparda over his head.

"Oh, I'm so scaaaared." Cthulhu pretends to shiver.

"I will annihilate you!" Dante pulls out his big guns from underneath his skirt.

"Aw," Cthulhu croons. "Are you gonna shot me now, little girl?" He bends down and pats Dante on top of his shiny platinum locks.

Dante turns bright red and starts to stutter. "You...you..."

"You're so cuuuute," Cthulhu gushes.

Dante raises his large guns and starts shooting wildly at Cthulhu, but the tentacled creature isn't harmed by the bullets. He just keeps gushing. "So cuuute!"

"DIIEEE!" Dante picks up Homer's corpse and starts to pound Cthulhu violently over the head.

Cthulhu claps his hands together. "A present? For me? You're so cuuute!"

"What does it takes to kill you, you big lump of goo!"

"Aw, you don't mean that." Cthulhu smiles sweetly and takes a big bite out of Homer. "Mmm...human."

Dante puts on the Ifrit gloves and turns into a fiery demon.

"WOW!" Cthulhu starts clapping again. "That's so cuuute!"

Dante throws his head back and laughs triumphantly. "You're toast now, demon!" He jumps up in the air and his flaming feet collide with Cthulhu's face.

"Silly girl, you can't hurt me," Cthulhu laughs. "I love fire."

Trish suddenly appears, leaning against the wall. "Do you need any help, pretty boy?" she asks, coolly polishing her nails.

Cthulhu looks up, "No, I'm alright, but thanks for asking."

"Not you!" Trish flips him the bird. It's a fried chicken with mashed potatoes on the side.

Dante blushes, trying unsuccessfully to cover his pink skirt. "Trish! What are you doing here?"

"I came to save your frilly ass!

"I'm fine. This skirt? Oh...it's a prank, see? A frat party kind of thing. Yeah... Right. Eh, hahahahaa..."

"I see..." Trish slowly replies. "And I'm the great and mighty blueberry pie. Come on, I always knew you were a bit of a fairy," she sniggers.

Cthulhu sniggers.

The remains of Homer sniggers.

The bully from Simpsons points at Dante and laughs. "HAA HAA!"

Dante calmly slices him in two.

"Aow!" the Bully says, and dies.

"Wow," Cthulhu murmurs. "That was really mean... I LIKE it!"

Trish straightens up from the wall and joins Dante. "Let's make shish kebab of this prehistoric monster!" She pulls out a razor sharp katana from behind a bench and starts performing a complicated kata.

"Great idea!" Cthulhu starts wiggling his tentacles wildly. "That fat bully looks tasty!"

"Not him! You!" Trish runs at Cthulhu, her katana held high.

"Moi? Aw, are you trying to hurt me, little girl? You're so cuuute!"

"You want cute? Take this!" She pulls out Lenore (a cute little dead girl) from behind her back.

"Gaaah! I'm so scared. NOT."

Lenore looks up at the bulking form of the ancient creature. "Bunny?"

Cthulhu's fearsome maw drops wide open. "Who? Me?"

"Bunny!" Lenore skips up to Cthulhu and glomps him.

"Awww!" Cthulhu staggers back and flaps his arms, trying to free himself. "Mwaaa! Aargh! Rguhl! Fuhg! What's happening to me!"

Lenore laughs. "Make more funny noise!" With her little arms she squeezes Cthulhu around his waist.

"Blöööh!" His eyes pop out.

Penniewise and Kimmy can't take it anymore. They burst into uncontrolled laughter, "HAHA HAHAHAHA! Snort."

At that exact moment the figures starts to fade. The teacher's voice drones into existence once more. "...theories utilized in the study of information, for example..."

Kimmy Jarl coughs to hide her sniggering and giggling while Penniewise becomes red as a beet. She is nearly choking on pent up laughter. The entire class is giving them strange looks.

The two girls burst into hysterical giggles every two minutes. Needless to say, that was a lecture that went straight over their heads.


	2. More madness

**Chapter two: More madness**

Kimmy Jarl and Penniewise stand glassy eyed in the empty class room. After a solid four hour lesson in Endnote, their brains have cracked and decided to go on a short vacation. The now familiar sound of buzzing fills the room. They look around expectantly and see that the computer screens have frozen in mid flicker. Apparently, they had fallen into a loop-hole in time. Again.

"Can you believe it!" Penniewise gushes. "Another round of random madness and silliness." She jumps up and down.

"Joy," Kimmy mutters. "Just for the record, I'm totally OOC over here."

"You! This story is supposed to be about Dante and Cthulhu. We are not doing any of that self insertion crap." Penniewise exchanges a sideways glance with Kimmy and then throws her hands up in the air. "Bah."

Kimmy nods. "It's madness, I tell you. Madness!"

Penniewise starts singing "I'm going slightly mad..."

Kimmy hums under her breath, "Komm in mein Bot..."

Dante waltzes in, wearing a pair of tight red leather pants and twirling the pink tutu over his head, "Deeply dippy, I'm your Super Man..."

Kimmy blinks slowly. "I have no comment to that. Sorry."

"That's okay." Dante pats Kimmy on the head. "Endnote sucks out your brain. It's not your fault."

"You're so nice." Kimmy muses. "Understanding... and pretty."

"Why, thank you. Even though I think of myself as handsome rather then pretty." Dante grins and kicks the tutu into a corner.

Cthulhu makes his slimy appearance. "You're cuuuuute!"

"Oh, no! Not you again!" Dante gasps. He looks around, frantically trying to find Lenore.

"Looking for the pale girl?" Kimmy says dryly. "I think she went home."

Penniewise shudders and pulls icicles from her hair. "I'm freezing!"

"So am I," Kimmy says with some amount of surprise. She steps closer to Dante. "You look warm, though." 'Hint, hint,' her eyes says.

Penniewise catches the look in Kimmy's eyes and slaps her on the side of the head. "Hey! No 'hint, hint, nudge, nudge' here!"

"Oh, come ooooon," Kimmy whines. "Our fics so need more of that stuff."

Penniewise crosses her arms and shrugs dismissively, "When you get lemons, make lemonade."

"Bah! Lemonade this!" Kimmy gives Dante a big, sloppy, open-mouthed kiss.

"Woho!" Dante does a 'Gone with the Wind style' sweep-her-of-her-feet and Kimmy gasps.

Trish pops out of thin air, staring threateningly at the pair. "What's going on here?"

Kimmy gives her a cheesy smile. "I was just making a point. Lemons, lemonade... see?"

"What are you talking about?" Trish starts fiddling with one of her guns.

"Yeah," Dante says petulantly. "I don't taste like lemonade!"

Cthulhu sniffs at Dante and licks his chops. "Mmm."

"No, not you, Dante!" Kimmy sighs impatiently and flicks Cthulhu on the side of his deformed head. "I meant this bloody fic!"

"Now, now, children. Don't fight," Penniewise scolds absentmindedly as she pulls some lemons from her pockets and starts juggling.

"Who's fighting?" Kimmy snuggles tightly in Dante's warm, muscular embrace. "Purr, purr."

Cthulhu stares at them enviously. "Don't anyone want to cuddle with meeeee!" He snuffles and goes all puppy eyed.

"I WANNA!" Leonore's joyful voice rings out from a distance.

"NOOO!" Cthulhu runs away, flapping his wiggly, squiggly tentacles.

"Good riddance." Kimmy puts her arms around Dante's waist and purrs loudly.

Penniewise scowls. "Stop purring, Kimmy Jarl. You're not a cat, are you?"

Kimmy purrs enormously loud. "PURR!"

"Okay, you're a cat!" Penniewise sighs with a defeated look on her face.

"Nope." Kimmy licks Dante on his chin. "I'm just a Saiyan yaoi fan."

"HA!" Cthulhu huffs mockingly from the doorway. "Saiyans, I ate them for breakfast." His tentacles start to wave around in a pompous manner.

"Mrrrrrrr." Kimmy says and moves her head on Dante's chest. "Vegeta could squash you under his golden-tipped boot. He has a dislike for slimy, wormy things, you know."

Cthulhu puffs up. "I am not a worm. I am the great High Priest of...of...what's-their-name..." He trails off, blushing.

Kimmy shudders. "Tentacles...ew." Dante holds her close.

"Would you stop hogging the cutie!" Trish erupts angrily.

"Me?" Kimmy looks up, eyes wide. "A cutie? Awww..."

"I think she meant me, babe." Dante blows his platinum bangs out of his eyes with a grin.

"Figures." Kimmy mutters. "To good to be true."

"You should not be so conceited, my son." Sparda's deep voice resounds around the room. "I think this Saiyan fan is kinda pretty." His noncorporeal presence winks at Kimmy.

Kimmy smiles and claps her hands. "Oh, honeybuns! Er...I mean thanks, my lord."

Lenore sneaks up on Cthulhu from behind and hugs him fiercely. "Gotcha!"

"Aw." Kimmy awes. "Hugs all around. How sweet." She starts purring again. "Purr, purr."

Cthulhu struggles desperately to escape Lenore's grip. With a squishy sound his eyeballs pop out and dangle. "No, my eyes!"

Kimmy stops purring. "Oh, gross!"

"My eyes," Cthulhu moans. "My ey-HARK!" An eyeball gets caught in the tentacles and he chokes.

"Ugh." Kimmy looks away. "Let's go somewhere else."

"Yes!" Penniewise woops. "We can go to Dante's place and play some pool. And RAMMSTEIN!"

"Yay! Or spin the bottle! Please?"

Penniewise frowns. "Get you mind out of the gutter, Kimmy. There will be no lemons here. Not even a lime."

"But why not!"

Penniewise blushes. "I get so embarrassed."

"Oh," Kimmy raises an eyebrow. "So I have embarrassed you, have I?"

"Well, not really. But you know how I feel when you start talking about ... yaoi."

Kimmy starts drooling, just to tick Penniewise off.

"Cut that out!" Penniewise runs to get a bucket and a mop.

Kimmy shouts at her retreating back, "Pretty boys! On top of each other!"

"No," Dante adamantly shakes his head. "I won't pile with anyone!"

"Not even with me?" Kimmy pouts invitingly.

Dante gives her a leering look. "Well, you're a girl, so that would be okay."

"Well..." Kimmy bites her lip and frown at him in reprimand. "You shouldn't knock it... and so on."

"Knock who?" Trish asks, slightly distracted by Cthulhu's attempts to untangle his eye.

"Knock, knock," Kimmy says.

Trish looks up. "Who's there?"

"A boy!"

"What boy?"

"Boys 'R' Us." Kimmy giggles.

Penniejarl runs in with a mop and starts singing. "Schoop-schoopi-oop..."

"Hey," Kimmy Wise says, hurt. "I didn't drool THAT much. Just down the front of my shirt..."

"Okay!" Penniejarl comes at her and sticks the mop in her face. "Take this, Kimmy- öh... We seem to have mixed up our pen names. Hm, Kimmy Wise and Penniejarl. Nice."

"I'm so confused." Kimmy Wise scratches her head.

"Let's sort this out." Dante starts putting the right pieces together. "Hm, this is A. it should go into slot B."

Kimmy pouts. "This isn't even remotely sexy."

"It's not supposed to be," Penniewise grumbles. "It's IKEA."

"What's this? Could we please stop with the advertising? I'm trying to be a socialist today, you know."

"Oh, sorry." Penniewise frowns in confusion and scratches her nose. "Hey! This isn't my face!"

"But..." Kimmy pats her own cheeks. "It isn't mine, either. Feels the same as always."

Penniewise looks at Dante. "Whose is it then?"

"Whaaaaa!" Kimmy screams. "Look at Cthulhu!"

Cthulhu blinks in confusion. "What?"

"That isn't your head...It's..." She glances at Penniewise. "Waaaah! That's so gross!"

Cthulhu looks in a mirror. "Whaaah! Get it off! Get it off!"

"I won't touch it!" Kimmy glances at Penniewise again. "No offence."

"Get over here, you big blob!" Penniewise grumbles at Cthulhu as she grabs Alastor from Dante.

Kimmy cheers her on. "Alright! Chop off the head! Chop it off, I say!"

Penniewise looks inquisitively at Kimmy. "Have you been reading Alice's Adventures in Wonderland lately?"

"Well," Kimmy says. "I'll be happy to have an in-depth discussion about the symbolism of that story. But first, could you...please...GET YOUR OWN FRIGGIN' HEAD BACK!"

Penniewise raises the sword and advances on Cthulhu, singing. "Just gimme a minute and everything will turn out LOVEL-YYYYY...um, I mean, okay."

"How!" Kimmy asks, sounding a bit freaked out.

Penniewise points at Cthulhu. "I'll just chop off his head, I mean, my head. Like this!" Chop. "And then I'll chop off this head that is currently occupying my neck, and then...TA-DA!" Both heads roll on the floor.

Kimmy sweatdrops. "Just get it over with."

"Okay." Penniewise picks up her head and puts it on. "Ah, much better! I've missed you." She pats it lovingly.

"Ah," Kimmy smiles. "Happy ending!"

"No!" Penniewise screams. "Don't end here!"

Cartman from South Park randomly walks by. "Screw you guys! I'm goin' home."

Penniewise looks around franticly. "But...but we haven't killed Cthulhu yet!" A sneaky look crosses her face, "I could of course hide his head..."

She runs off with the tentacled head under her arm, cackling madly.


	3. Randomnessesses

**Chapter three: Randomnessesses**

Dante and Trish find themselves in a classroom full of students discussing the riveting mysteries of organisation theory.

Dante leans back in his seat and puts his feet up on the desk. "How intriguing!"

Trish daintily polishes her nails on the front of her coat. "The world is coming to an end." She sniffs.

"In a hand basket!"

Trish yawns. "I'm so nervous I could die!"

"No worries, mate," Dante says with an Australian accent. "You can only die once."

"But what about the afterlife. I'm not sure I believe in Hell."

Lenore pops up from behind a curtain. "You can always come back. I did!"

"Don't kid yourself," Trish grumbles. "You're dead all right. I can smell it!"

"That's my perfume, Voo Doo." Lenore flutters her eyelashes at Dante.

Trish makes a sour face. "Yeah, perfume. Right." She stabs Lenore; the dagger penetrates her heart all the way up to the hilt. "And this is my knife."

"Ouch." Lenore looks at the knife protruding from her chest. "It's true! You can only die once."

Trish stares off into space, pondering deeply. "Are you completely sure? If there's an afterlife, there should be an afterdeath." Her attention snaps back to Lenore. "So die, you dead bitch!"

Dante gives Trish and Lenore a sideways glance. "Hey, don't fight, girls. There's enough of _this_," he points to himself, "to go around."

Trish turns her fiery gaze his way. "Shut up! I'm sick of your macho talk and macho walk, you sick macho bitch! Please just get over yourself!"

Dante looks hurt. "But…I'm the great Devil Hunter, son of Sparda."

Trish growls. "Sparda menarda. Tell someone who cares. I will no longer wash your long-johns, that's for sure."

"But these leather pants are freezing in the winter. And with my mommy gone, who will wash them if you won't?" Dante pouts.

"You figure it out!" Trish crosses her arms over her chest. "I'm on strike."

"Yeah!" Lenore adjusts the dagger's hilt and imitates Trish's pose.

Trish whirls around towards the girl, irritation in her voice. "Not you, you psycho bitch! Death to you, double die!" She trains a gun at the girl and starts pulling the trigger.

Lenore backs up against the wall, a hint of fear in her eyes. "Wait! What will you do about Cthulhu if I'm gone?"

Trish hesitates. "Penniewise has taken care of it. No worries, she can be trusted. I think. Possibly."

Lenore gives Trish a doubtful look. "The weird demonic clown? You trust a demon?"

"_I'm_ a demon, you twit!" Trish's eye-lid starts twitching.

Dante stops twirling his guns and joins the conversation. "My father was a demon too, and he saved the world!"

Trish clears her throat. "As far as you know. However, I've heard rumours…"

"What have you heard?" Dante gives Trish a suspicious look.

"Well," Trish said gently. "From a different point of view, your father conquered the world and ruled it with an iron fist. Face it, your father wasn't exactly a democrat." She examines her nails closely.

Lenore pats Dante's butt. "How well did you really know your father? He died so long ago that he has become a legend, and your mother died 20 years ago. Or am I wrong?" She pauses and gives him a doubtful stare. "By the way…when were you conceived?"

Trish points at him. "HA!"

Lenore nods. "You have to be Bob Marley to become a legend in your own generation."

"Well," Trish scratches her head. "I don't know any Bobby, but I've always suspected that Sparda never really died. He lives on in a kind of weakened and pathetic existence. At least I like to think so."

Dante pulls his guns. "Hey, stop bad mouthing my dad. He was the legendary Dark Knight!"

Trish frowns. "Dark Knight, Dark Schmight. Give me Jeanne d'Arc anytime…"

Lenore throws her hands up in the air. "Oh, please. That psychopathic I-was-sent-by-God chick wasn't that much better."

"At least she had the decency to stay DEAD," Trish mutters under her breath.

Lenore sticks out her tongue. "Well, you're the one to talk. How come you're standing here when Mundus fried your ass before he was killed by Dante? Could someone answer that?" She looks around expectantly.

Kimmy Jarl turns around in her seat. "Don't ask me," she shrugs. "Penniewise is the Devil May Cry fanatic. Not me."

Lenore gives Trish a dirty look. "I think you're a faker. It was just a scam to make Dante fell sorry for you."

"Hey!" Trish says airily. "I resent that. I do know what happened. _God_ happened. I'm a saint reborn."

Penniewise bursts into the class room, Cthulhu's head under her arm. "The time has come to meet my fate! Soon." She plunks down into the seat next to Kimmy.

Kimmy glances at her out of the corner of her eye. "Think you'll live through this?"

Penniewise absentmindedly scratches her head. Both of them. "I think I'll survive. But I feel so unprepared."

"Damn straight," Cthulhu's head grumbles. "Now give me back my body!"

Penniewise pokes him in the eye. "No, I thought I might turn that into a couch. It's quite soft."

Cthulhu frowns. "So what about my head, ne?"

"You just shut up." Penniewise flicks away a forward tentacle.

Kimmy leans back in her chair and sighs. "Just as long as you know what you're doing."

"Maybe I could sew his mouth shut. If I can find it under all those tentacles." Penniewise pulls at his feelers.

Cthulhu looks up, a plaintive look on his face. "Why are you so cruel?"

"I'm bored," Penniewise whines. "And relieved that I have finished my oral exam."

"Speak for yourself," Kimmy mutters. "I still have to go up there."

Penniewise cackles evilly. "Hehe! And I know you just LOVE making a fool of yourself."

Kimmy gets teary-eyed. "Everybody's so cruel today."

Penniewise shrugs. "Sorry. It's my demonic streak rearing its ugly head."

"Hey!" Cthulhu exclaims. "I'm the ugly head around here. You people are missing the point."

Trish gives him a bored glance. "What point?"

Cthulhu starts wailing. "MEEEEEE!"

"You have no points. You're all blunt stuff." Penniewise rolls the head back and forth.

Trish nods. "Squiggly."

"Exactly!" Penniewise grins like a maniac. "Cthulhu's head is hereby appointed to be the definition of squiggly!"

Cthulhu's head frowns thoughtfully. "Then…what about my bottom?"

Dante shrugs. "From where I'm standing it looks quite firm."

"Are you checking me out?!"

"No! No!" Dante quickly protests. "I just…happened to look in that direction!"

Trish grins from ear to ear. "Now we're getting somewhere!"

Lenore looks nonplussed. "Where are we going? To the beach?"

"I was speaking metaphorically," Trish says. "But hey, that's a good idea. Let's throw Cthulhu's head into the sea!"

Penniewise enthusiastically jumps out of her seat. "Yay, we can play "Will it float"!"

Kimmy slowly gets to her feet. "Whatever. Just get on with it."

Penniewise bounces from bench to bench while rummaging through her pockets. "We can take my bike. I have a clown licence. It can take 10 people."

"HAHAHA!" Kimmy laughs flatly. "Oh…you're serious."

Penniewise pulls out a bike. "As a nutcracker!"

"Ouch!" Dante winches.

The body of Cthulhu hides a nutcracker behind its back. "Hehe!"

His head starts to whistle.

Penniewise turns around and picks up Cthulhu's head. "Hey, what's going on back there?"

"Waaah," the head screams. "Attack! Attack! Go body, go!"

Lenore jumps into Dante's arms. "Run for your lives. The deranged couch is running amok."

Kimmy backs away. "Come on. Just drop the thing and run!"

Penniewise tosses the head across the class room and jumps up on the orange bike. "Get on the bike!" She honks its giant horn, "Honk, honk!"

"HA!" Cthulhu's head laughs victoriously. "Too late. I'm taking back my body. Or rather…my body is taking me back. Haha!"

"So, you're not getting a divorce, after all." Lenore pipes up from Dante's masculine embrace.

"I'm going to ignore that," Cthulhu's head sniffs. "Wholeness is within my grasp! Full power! Full life." The body puts the head back on. "OH YEAH!!"

Dante stares. "The horror! It's upside down."

"Thanks." Cthulhu turns his head around. "OH YEAH!!"

Penniewise looks impatiently at the others. "Okay, are we gonna run now? Or are we just standing around, waiting for the monster to get his head straight?"

Kimmy walks up to the bike. "I suggest the run strategy. We can always get him later." She coughs discreetly.

"Yes! Now, everyone get on the bike already!" Penniewise honks the horn again.

Dante strikes a heroic pose. "I say we take him down now, or die trying!"

Lenore clings to his neck. "If I hadn't this big knife sticking out of my stomach I could glomp that slimy beast."

"DAMN!" Trish looks away.

"Ha." Lenore points at her. "Repent!"

A hint of a smile tugs at Trish's lips. "And still it's worth it…"

Lenore sticks her tongue out. "Bläähh!!"

Cthulhu growls. "You people are still missing the point!"

"I have a point! Take this!" Dante stabs him with Alastor.

"You never learn." Cthulhu flicks the sword away. He stomps Dante to the ground. "OH YEAH!!"

"What is up, gang!" Neva drives into the room with her cool ass jeep and crashes into Cthulhu. "Ops, sorry!"

Dante shouts loudly. "No sorry! No sorry! Kill, kill, kill the slimy beast!"

"Okay!" Neva backs up and drives over Cthulhu several times.

Kimmy dejectedly rolls her eyes. "This will never work."

Neva looks down on Cthulhu. He gives her an annoyed look and starts to get to his feet. "I think you're right."

Trish crosses her arms over her chest. "Let's choose life today."

"Oh," Lenore mutters. "So now you're a pacifist all of a sudden?"

"A saint," Trish smiles beatifically. "I told you. All life is sacred. Even squishy, slimy beasts."

Penniewise honks her horn. "Hurry up! Class is almost over. Kill him or let him live. I don't care."

Trish is still smiling. "Let him live…and survive." A halo appears above her head.

Neva slams on the gas and speeds away. They hear her yelling from a distance. "We shall kill him another day!"

The orange bicycle disappears into the sunset. "Honk, honk."

Cthulhu pumps his fist in the air. "OH YEAH!"


	4. Randomly disgusting

**Chapter four: Randomly disgusting**

"The attack of the zombie teacher!" Penniewise stares at the new, creepy looking lecturer with a stunned gaze.

"Protect your brain," Kimmy whispers dramatically.

"Which brain, mine is melted already."

Kimmy pulls a scary face. "All the better for the teacher to suck."

"Oh, braingoo."

"Yummy."

"That's what we used to be served in school in younger years. Completely killed off my taste buds."

"I ate mush! Unidentified. And meat balls. They could bounce." Kimmy bounces her eraser on the floor.

"Another popular dish was the palt. Covered in grey slime with black dots." Penniewise shudders.

"Yes," Kimmy nods. "And once I cracked a tooth on the ham salad."

"Cool. Let's face it, there is no food that a school kitchen can't corrupt and distort."

"I heard the cowberry jam is fake. Mostly consisting of wine berries and apples."

Penniewise starts singing. "I feel a little bit queasy."

Kimmy also starts to sing. "Don't throw up on my new jeans."

"I shall try not to hurl," Penniewise says in a sing song voice.

Kimmy frowns towards the front of the class room. "The teacher is spewing swears. It that what it means to study at the university, R-rated languaged teachers?"

"Yes," Penniewise says. "It's very educational. And my mind is numb. The goo that is my brain has now entered my shoes."

"Squishy shoes! My brain, on the other hand, is hard as rock. Haha, suck on that, you sucky teacher!" Kimmy shakes her fist.

"Must feed." Penniewise walks with outstretched arms across the room and tries to grab Dante.

Kimmy yawns.

"I said, I must feed." Penniewise looks around to see if anyone notices her zombie like demeanour.

Kimmy takes out a bowl of popcorn. "Blood, I want blood!"

"Oh, blood! Me too! Me likey blood and gore." Penniewise sneaks up on Cthulhu with a big cleaver behind her back.

"Alright!" Kimmy's mouth is full of popcorn. "Chopp da chupp! Mufablah!"

"Okey! Hayah!" Penniewise swings the cleaver, but misses Cthulhu who ducks and rolls.

"Try again!" Kimmy shouts. "Muffabluh! Cut his slimy throat! Let's see a fountain of blood."

"Wait! I'll try this." Penniewise turns away and digs through her pockets. "Aha!" She whips around with a guitar case in her hand. "El Mariachi-Clown!"

"What?" Kimmy stares. "Oh I get it. Let him dance till he bleeds?"

"No, this is a special guitar case. Behold!" Penniewise opens the case. "Presenting the BFG 9000!"

"Alright! Splash it, baby! Splash, splashitty, splash splash!"

"My favourite pastime." Penniewise chuckles, "Hehe. Duck everyone. Except for Cthulhu. You just stand there like a nice little squiggly bottom."

Kimmy takes another handful of popcorn.

"Kabloowey!" Penniewise pulls the trigger. Nothing happens.

"Bummer. Aww, oh no. I wanted the blood." Kimmy whines. "Blood!"

"Guess it only works on Mars." Penniewise shrugs and throws the gun behind her back. "And anyway, I don't think Cthulhu bleeds. I think he just slimes or oozes or whatever you'd call it."

"Alright," Kimmy grumbles. "I'll settle for the slime."

"Ok. One order of slime coming up."

"And we're right back to the subject of disgusting food."

Penniewise taps her chin thoughtfully. "Maybe Cthulhu is made of fruit flavoured jello. Pity Dante fried Homer; otherwise we could have asked him. I'm actually getting a bit hungry."

"Are you seriously suggesting that we should eat Cthulhu?" Kimmy grins. "Alright, I'm game."

"We could always take a nibble. Just try it out. But first we have to catch him."

"Huh?"

"He sneaked off while we were discussing what flavour he was. I just saw him slip behind that tree." Penniewise points.

"Well, alright." Kimmy takes out a bow. "Are you up for a hunt?"

"Why, yes. It's been a while since I had a good hunt." Penniewise takes on a Scottish accent. "I hungerrr forrr action."

Kimmy starts running towards the tree. "Wohoo!"

Penniewise pulls a battle axe from her back pocket. "Cowabunga!" She runs after Kimmy.

"Aha!" Kimmy jumps up in front of Cthulhu.

Cthulhu screams. "Wahhh!"

Kimmy nocks an arrow and shots him at close range, a la Boromir.

"Aow." Cthulhu jumps around holding his foot.

"Why are you holding your foot, you cretin? There's an arrow sticking out of your chest." Kimmy points at his chest.

"Oh, mixed nerve endings. I think something went wrong when you guys cut off my head." Cthulhu lets go off his foot and clutches his chest. "Aowy."

"Hm, interesting." Kimmy looks at Penniewise. "Perhaps we should dissect him?"

"Yeehaaa!" Penniewise puts on a surgical mask and pulls out a set of scalpels.

"I'll hold him," Kimmy says. "Or…wait. Should we kill him first?"

Dante comes running. "What the schmeck is going on here? I leave you guys alone for a minute, and now look at this mess." He gestures towards Cthulhu that stumbles around moaning.

"What's your point, pretty boy?" Kimmy nocks another arrow.

"Just calm down." Dante backs away from Kimmy.

"Ha-HA!" Kimmy whirls around and shots Cthulhu in the head.

"Aow, that hurts." Cthulhu falls over and starts to twitch.

"Oh no, he's hurt." Dante gasps.

Penniewise pokes Cthulhu with her foot. "When he twitches like that he doesn't look very eatable." She looks at Dante. "But you look yummy." She gets a crazed shine in her eyes and starts sneaking up on him.

Dante, oblivious to Penniewise's advances, starts crying. "No, Cthulhu!" Tears are running down his cheeks. "Don't die big buddy, don't you die on me."

Cthulhu gasps and gurgles. "Dante, come closer. I have something important to tell you before I die. Gasp."

Kimmy rolls her eyes. "You've got to be kidding."

Penniewise advances on Dante. "Yeesss, my preciousssss." She bursts into a maniacal laughter.

"Shut up you two." Dante falls on his knees by Cthulhu's side. He takes on of the tentacles between his hands.

Cthulhu coughs. "My strength is leaving me, lean closer."

"No," Dante hushes. "Don't say anything. Save you strength."

"Ok, suit yourself. Then I won't tell you where I hid my big treasure." Cthulhu pouts.

"Er…" Dante pauses.

Penniewise stops dead in her tracks. "Treasure? Oh, I need money. Push off, pretty boy. I want it."

"I don't want no treasure," Kimmy mutters. "It will only corrupt my mind. Oh, who am I kidding?" She nocks an arrow at Cthulhu. "Spill it or die, you medical freak!"

Cthulhu wiggles his tentacles limply. "I don't think I can make it. If I only had a pint of blood to regain my strength, I could draw you a map. Blargh." His eyes are large and watery.

Kimmy lowers her bow and a peculiar look crosses her face. "I don't know…are you going to drink the blood?"

Cthulhu gives her a sideways glance. "Of course, what did you think I would do with it?"

"Never mind." Kimmy sighs. "I suppose you can have mine then."

"Really?" Cthulhu asks cheerfully. He adds in a weak and feeble voice, "Oh, the world is getting dark."

"Just get it over with." Kimmy tips her head back and offers her throat.

Cthulhu grabs her and wraps his tentacles around her head in an attempt to get to the jugular.

Kimmy closes her eyes.

"Gaah, yucky." Penniewise makes gagging noises.

"You shut up," Kimmy snaps. She inhales sharply as Cthulhu buries his teeth.

Cthulhu slurps and makes sounds of satisfaction. "Aaaaah!"

Kimmy slowly pales as the slurping continues, until her face is white as snow.

"Hey slimy, get off her!" Penniewise pounds Cthulhu over the head with the broad side of her axe.

Cthulhu wraps his arms around Kimmy as he vigorously sucks on her throat.

"That's it. I'm going in!" Penniewise starts tearing at the tentacles and chopping them off one by one.

Kimmy moves her bloodless lips and her eyelids flutter. "Don't… don't hurt him."

Penniewise pauses with the large axe raised over her head. "Why the flipping 'eck not?"

Cthulhu lets go of Kimmy and she sprawls limply on the floor, out cold.

"Gaaaah!" Penniewise cries. "Kimmy, wake up!" She growls at Cthulhu, her eyes glowing.

"Er…" Dante makes a soothing gesture. "Calm down, sister." He walks up to Cthulhu and lays a hand on his shoulder. "Do you feel better now?"

"Step back, mommy's boy. He's mine now!" Penniewise bares her razor sharp teeth with a hiss. Her fingernails turn into long, black claws.

Dante eyes suddenly become roaring chasms of fire and his body is enveloped by his devil armour. With a long hissing sound, Alastor leaves the sheath.

"Carnage!" Penniewise roars. She pounces on Dante with a growl and starts chewing on one of his wings.

Dante smirks evilly. "You're determined to jump me one way or the other, right?"

"And don't you love it," Penniewise mutters between bites.

Dante moans. "Yeah, yeah, bite me harder, baby."

Penniewise's eyes stops glowing and she leans back, licking her lips. "Hmm, you killed the mood. I don't like easy boys."

"I know what you mean." Dante grins broadly with his sharp teeth before he too returns to human form.

"What, you don't like easy boys either?" Penniewise jumps off his back and straightens her clothes.

"Neveryoumind." Dante blushes lightly and hitches up his leather pants.

Penniewise gives Dante an inquisitive look.

Dante kneels by Cthulhu. "I think he'll make it."

Penniewise shrugs. "I really don't give a flying urchin's creamy kettle."

Cthulhu whispers in a hoarse voice. "…still don't get the point."

"I'll give you a point." Penniewise sprouts one claw and presses it against Cthulhu's eyeball with a maniacal grin. "Just say the word."

Trish steps up to them. "Please wait." She lays her hands on Penniewise's shoulders and looks her deep in the eyes. "It's over, they'll both live now. Just take you friend and go."

Penniewise gives Trish an apprising look and straightens, retracting her claw. "Ok. For now." She picks up Kimmy's limp body and puts her over the shoulder. She kicks down the class room door and walks out.

Kimmy is plunged down on the chair in the noisy library cafeteria. She moans and lifts her head. Blood is slowly running in tiny rivulets under the hem of her black shirt. "W…will he live?"

"With my luck…probably." Penniewise picks leathery pieces of wing out of her teeth with a toothpick.

"Good," Kimmy whispers. She picks up a crumpled paper napkin and wipes her throat.

Penniewise flicks the toothpick into a wastebasket. "So…why didn't you want me to kill him? It was you who shot him in the first place."

"Yeah, I know," Kimmy says and looks away. "Hey," she adds brightly after a short pause. "You should buy me some orange juice and a sandwich. Isn't that what you're supposed to eat after you've give blood."

"Don't try to change the subject." Penniewise frowns and gives Kimmy a furtive look. "One could almost think that you wanted to get jiggy with squiggly boy. You know…vampire romance."

"Yeah right," Kimmy mutters. "I'm really a closet tentacle fan." She clears her throat and looks away. "You totally miss the point."

"Ok. So what _is_ the point? Enlighten me." Penniewise leans against a wall, juggling with a sandwich and a box of orange juice.

"Oh…" Kimmy sighs deeply. "Just a feeling, you know. Pretty important." She reaches for the juice. "Is that for me?"

"Oh, right. Here you go." Penniewise stops juggling and tosses the box to Kimmy.

"Thanks." Kimmy sticks the straw into the juice box. Holding it both hands, she starts sipping. "Mmm, orange…"

Penniewise yawns. "Maybe I should buy one for myself too. Hmm…decisions, decisions."

"The meaning of life…in a neat little box." Kimmy takes a sip. "Would you hand me the sandwich?"

"Ok." Penniewise impales the sandwich with a claw and passes it over to Kimmy. "On the subject of food, have you ever eaten blood bread?"

"Can't say that I have," Kimmy muses. "But there are a few drops on this one. Does that count?"

Penniewise snickers, "Hehe, adds to the flavour. Anywho… this blood bread thing is really disgusting. You put like a pint of pig's blood into the batch and make this flat bread that is hard and dry and lasts forever. Then you heat up fat from a sheep and soak the bread in it until it's nice and squishy. Then you EAT it. With sauerkraut on the side."

"Interesting. Is that what you ate while growing up?"

"Luckily I managed to avoid it, along with eating rancid herring that has been stored for a year or two."

"Oh." Kimmy nods. "You mean surströmming. I eat that once every year. Tradition, you know."

"The only traditional food I eat, really, is semlor. With lots of whipped cream and marzipan." Penniewise licks her chops.

"What about dried fish?" Kimmy looks interested.

"It's kind of dull. But dried reindeer meat on the other hand… yummy."

"Yeah." Kimmy stares off into the distance. "A red, hard chunk of heaven."

"Small _slices_ of heaven. I feel a sudden craving coming on. MEAT!" Penniewise starts drooling.

"Oh," Kimmy bites her lip. "You know, I'm not sure I'm up to hunting just yet."

"Actually, I was thinking about going grocery shopping. For jello... and burgers."

"Come on, you know I don't eat hamburgers." Kimmy starts to mutter and grumble. "Imperialistic… octopus… Bloody IKEA, democracy my ass. Cracked my tooth on the ham salad… mumble, mumble."

"What are you muttering about? Is IKEA secretly slipping bolts into their ham salads?" Penniewise arches an eyebrow and nicks Kimmy's half eaten sandwich.

Kimmy sighs. "Never mind. What the heck, we can get a burger if you really want to."

"Naa," Penniewise shrugs. "I think I want cashew chicken with sweet and sour sauce." She flicks a pair of chopsticks out of her pocket.

"Or a burger." Kimmy gets to her feet.

"Or a chicken." Penniewise separates the chopsticks.

"Consider a burger…"

"I thought you didn't like burgers."

"I said I would eat the burger, didn't I? Jeez."

"You could have a chicken burger. That way you get both."

"Oh joy," Kimmy says dryly. "Let's go then."

"Or… you could have burger flavoured jello shaped like a chicken. Or-"

"Sure." Kimmy takes a new napkin and dabs at her throat.

Penniewise starts singing. "Burger-flavoured-chicken-jello, burger-flavoured-jello-chicken. That's what we LIIIIIKE!"

"Love it to death." Kimmy opens the door.

Penniewise walks into the wall. "Hey, wait."

"What?" Kimmy turns around.

Penniewise gives her a serious stare. "You did it for the treasure, right?"

Kimmy pauses in the doorway. "Yeah, sure. I did it for the treasure." She walks out the door and Penniewise follows, skipping happily.


End file.
